Before you dive into today’s post, it’s a long one, but a well-considered and heartfelt one. I’d love it if regular readers could scroll to the end afterwards and share your thoughts or feedback. It really helps me shape what to share next. 🙏
As a high-achieving, Type A personality with ADHD, I’ve always been someone who seems to get a lot more done in a day than most neurotypical people (that’s just a fancy way of saying someone without ADHD, autism, or other neurodivergent traits).
When I crash, though, I crash hard.
Perimenopause (and plenty of therapy) has taught me something that’s taken me years to accept: I can’t go at the same pace I once thrived on (and, let’s be honest, pushed myself through).
As a Manifesting Generator, I’ve long believed I had an endless supply of energy. Turns out, not so much. These last few years have been a very humbling lesson, and it’s been a hard pill to swallow.
I no longer wear my manic, push-push-push energy like a badge of honour.
I remember a close friend saying to me years ago, “Your pace is exhausting and kind of triggering because I can’t keep up.”
Back then, I didn’t really get it. Now I do. I see other women moving at the speed I once did, and I think… I can’t do that anymore.
And more importantly, I don’t want to.
The Calm Girl Era
Recently, I met a woman at the hairdresser's who was at least a decade younger than me. We clicked straight away, both of us with that early-start, work-hard story.
We’d each left home young, started working in our early teens, built businesses or careers, and hustled our way into early “success.” She’d just sold her company and moved onto acreage, entering what she called her “calm girl era.”
Instead of chasing the next big thing, she’s learning to keep bees, grow vegetables, and set up her new home. I loved that for her, especially as she’s learnt this earlier in life, and it struck a deep chord in me.
I’m living in my calm girl, protect my peace era.
When My Body Finally Said No
Until the last several years, I was still deep in the “push through” mindset, until I was not.
I hit mental, physical, and emotional rock bottom. My body had had enough.
On the menopause symptom scorecard, I was sky-high. By the way, I highly recommend filling it in if you’re between 35 and 50, even if you think you’re fine. Some of the symptoms might surprise you, like they did me.
No matter how much I tried to will myself forward, my body refused to cooperate.
There were panic attacks over minor things, deep fatigue that no amount of sleep could touch, and joy, gone. I hadn’t hit the gym in three years, something I had done on the regular for over five years. Amongst many other physical symptoms, I later discovered were the results of chronic ongoing stress. I was on extended sick leave, then reduced hours, then I had to quit my job altogether. It was a choice between my sanity and my work.
I remember sitting in my car outside the doctor’s office, too embarrassed to nap in the waiting room because I couldn’t physically stay awake in the middle of the day. I told them to call me when it was my turn. Another day, I was driving home from Brisbane and found myself having micro-sleeps on the highway.
It scared me.
My doctor said, “You have chronic fatigue.”
I did not believe her.
My therapist said, “You have to learn to manage your energy, not overdo it when you’re high, or you’ll just keep crashing.”
That one landed.
Even if I didn’t believe I had chronic fatigue, I’ve since used the techniques and supports to help treat myself.
What Helped Me Recover
So here’s what I’ve done, and still do, to keep myself from going back there.
💛 I’ve learnt to say no and be clear on my needs. This has included declining or withdrawing from projects and opportunities that sounded great but would have compromised my recovery.
💛 I no longer fill my schedule just because I can.
💛 I’ve learnt that “free” in the calendar doesn’t mean “available.”
💛 I try to do only one main thing per day, unless it’s unavoidable.
💛 Wherever possible, I book appointments in the morning so I don’t waste mental energy waiting.
💛 As well as all the Perimenopause Pillars that I’ve layered over the last 12 months, which I’ll share in more detail soon.
From therapy, I’ve learnt that my ideal rhythm (and for many ADHDers) is three days of focused work and two days of rest or unplanned time, days where I can be spontaneous but not scheduled.
These days are ideally not part of the weekend because Sunday is usually spent in waiting mode for the week ahead, which is truly not a recovery day, as waiting mode is not rest.
I’ve also set myself minimums and maximums.
When I’m low-energy, I stick to my minimums. When I’m buzzing, I still honour my maximums so I don’t burn out again as hard as it is, to not keep going.
It is hard to stop when I am in flow, but it has made all the difference.
I’ve let go of perfectionism. The house can be messy. The to-do list can wait. Easy meals for the win these nights.
Rest isn’t something to earn. It’s something the body and brain need.
Redefining Work
I recently went back to work part-time to test the waters.
This job doesn’t stretch my brain to the edge of depletion. It leaves me with enough energy for the other important parts of my life, my family, my relationships, my home, my health, and my self-care.
My new workmates are mostly mature women who’ve been through their own versions of burnout. We talk while we work. We share stories. We listen to podcasts. Sometimes we just work in silence.
It’s simple work, but it gives me so many non-financial benefits:
a sense of belonging
structure to my day
gentle accountability
movement and connection
an anchor to my week
and the joy of chatting with women who get it
One of my new workmates makes me laugh, but she is right. She says, “No one can afford your brain, so you are doing a job that does not need it to allow space for those that do.” (aka me and my family).
It has been a humbling process to separate capacity from capability.
For so many high-functioning women, especially those with ADHD or perfectionist wiring, our sense of worth has been built around what we can do.
Capability has never been the issue.
Capacity is a different story. It is the space we actually have, physically, mentally, and emotionally, to hold everything without breaking.
Just because I am capable of running a business, managing a household, raising kids, writing, and doing ten things before breakfast, does not mean I should. These days, I choose what fits inside my current capacity, not what once did.
Yes, it comes with a little ego death.
There is a kind of identity loss in stepping back from the version of yourself who could do it all. There is also freedom in it.
Letting go of the constant need to prove, perform, and produce has given me something far better: peace, presence, and the energy to enjoy the life I have worked so hard to create.
Before You Burn Out
If you see the signs, please don’t ignore them.
If you keep pushing, you might hit rock bottom like I did, and it can take an incredible amount of time and expense to recover.
You deserve better. You deserve care. You deserve to rest before your body forces you to.
Women are especially at risk of burning out because we’re juggling so much: family, work, hormones, expectations, invisible labour.
It’s not selfish to protect your energy. It’s self-respect.
When you fall down, it’s unlikely anyone will take care of you better than you.
The Year of Me
Last week marked one full year of consciously prioritising myself.
It has been a year of small, layered changes, gentle ones, not drastic. Consistency over intensity.
For the first time in three years, I can say I feel well. Not only well, I feel fking fantastic.
But I still have my low-energy moments, and I have gotten better at listening to when I need to rest. Guilt-free.
I have been writing about everything I have done over the past 12 months, the tools, the supports, the shifts, the wins, and the lessons, and I would love to share it with you if you are interested.
I have pulled back from weekly posting because life is fuller, and I know you are busy too. I want to share impactful essays and supportive content that lands for you, not be a content machine. I do have a lot sitting in my drafts, eager to share, so let me know what you would prefer next.
Testosterone, the missing piece for my energy and executive function
The Year of Me: How I rebuilt my health one habit at a time
If either of those interest you, fill in the poll below so I know which one to send first.
This midlife ride has been wild, but I finally feel like I am steering it, not just hanging on.
Your Feedback Please? 🙏
I would also love your feedback. Send me a message or leave a comment. Is what I share here resonating with you? Is it helpful? Because during my darkest period, I could not find a single person in real life, a friend, a specialist, or even someone online sharing the lived experience I needed to hear to keep going. That is why I feel so passionate about sharing mine.
We are all individuals, and it takes tweaking and time to get our personalised plan on track. Having cheerleaders in your corner and hearing lived experiences really helped me.
It was not until I went to Sydney in March to the So Hot Right Now Events and spent time with other women who did not feel like themselves and had overcome it, or were steering the ship, as well as advocating for other women, that it truly cemented how important it is for us to share our stories and experiences, from perimenopause through to post-menopause.
I know many of my readers are on the other side of menopause, because you send me emails from that perspective. I truly value this. I love hearing from our elders. There is so much wisdom to share. Many of you have successfully steered the ship. Others had to white-knuckle this period of life. With new conversations and research, there is more language and support to make sense of what you went through, as well as wisdom in the sharing of your success.
Rest is the new hustle,
Robyn x
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Start Here…there’s hope I promise
I regularly spend a portion of my time answering questions and hearing from friends and readers, whether here on Substack, on Instagram, or on Facebook. Because it’s what I really needed but never had when I was neck deep in all the symptoms. The messages often sound like this: